Ekphrasis: Flora and Fauna

*Guest post by the renowned Sirrah K. A. Pfotenhauer on his art project among nature this weekend.

When asked what the greatest contribution of humanity to the world is I answer with three  words, two things: Flora and fauna. It is here where humanity excels beyond all other species. Where would the world be without the beautiful Butt of Cigarette? Do you really want to live in a world where no Toilette Papier is spread among the disgusting plant life that is trying to take over this wondrous planet? I, for one, do not. I even convinced the birds to join in the war we wage, as you can witness by the lovely spatter of fecal matter above.

Following the footsteps (wingsteps?) of the bird, I went ahead and placed a plastic bag of human shit near some plants.After placing various flora and fauna around some goddamn cactus/tree/bush/who gives a shit, I realized that the earth was really the problem. I decided that I would begin by placing a plastic bottle of alcohol, sans alcohol, inside it. Now I had the upper hand. To signify the shift in power positions, I smashed a bottle cap into the earth. Upon the bottle cap was simply written “Union Jack.” This, of course, is an homage to the British Empire, the great colonizers of humanity. God save the fucking queen and not anything else. Bless those goddamn Brits for mass production that they may or may not have started, but certainly use.

What more could one need in this world than mass produced shoes and a rag? Coor’s Light to get things started. At least, that’s where I started. After a small, plastic bottle of Jim Bean (priced at $7.99 before tax), I decided it would be a good idea to place an alcohol pipeline in the earth. It should be able to imbibe like the rest of us. Turns out the earth is actually a communist space traveler and drinks some beer called Red Moon. Guess I’m done helping this Bernie Sanders loving, teet-suckling bastard.